TORONTO – Tragedy struck the 401 Express today as a car carrying several clowns careened off of a steep embankment while en route to the upcoming Oshawa Clown Festival.
First responder Alex Hinds described the accident as, “an absolute atrocity.” Shaking his head and clearing tears from his eyes Hinds told reporters, “I approached the vehicle and everything looked fine. It actually appeared as though the car was entirely empty…and then,” Alex’s voice grew hoarse, “it just erupted. Clown, after clown, after clown came pouring out of the vehicle with little to no signs of life.”
Hind’s partner and fellow first responder Martin Butler continued, “As I tried to sort through the bodies, boutonniere’s kept going off, splashing me with water. There were bits and pieces of tiny tricycles strewn everywhere. All the while, more clown bodies streamed out of the vehicle.” Butler paused to take a deep breath, “It was like some sort of sick joke.”
Immediately following the accident, investigators confirmed that several great clowns were found amid the carnage. Listed among the dead are Sargent Marbles, Bozo, Boutros Boutros Jolly, Purple Petey, Roshhahaha, Lolly Ringwald, President Larf, Joy Beyharharhar, Ronald McFarland, Jester A. Arthur, Robert Clowney, and – perhaps most tragically – Robert Clowney’s son, Robert Clowney Junior.
Oshawa Clown Festival Organizer, Michael Peters, noted that the timing of the accident could not have been worse. “First, the Republican Primary took ten of our very best out of the clowning game. Now this… It’s heartbreaking.”
Although investigators have yet to confirm the cause of the accident, they have reason to believe that it had something to do with the dozens of cream pies found smashed against the face of the vehicle’s deceased driver.
