BURNABY, B.C. – A nationwide study at Simon Fraser University has revealed that 70% of all Canadians are just spares in case some of the other 30% stop working or aren’t available.
“Let’s say you want your buddy Greg [Caldwell] to come over for beer and video games,” said researcher Dr. Lisa Gooden. “But it turns out he can’t make it. Don’t worry! Just grab reliable, old Dave [Simmons]. Sure he’s worse at Call of Duty and takes too long in the bathroom but, in the grand scheme of things, you’re basically getting the same dude.”
The study took place over the course of several months. Thousands of Canadians were compared across categories such as trustworthiness, political leanings, usefulness on trivia night, athletic ability, presentation skills, weekend availability, poetry writing, power tool proficiency, bird knowledge and several hundred other categories. The final results showed that every Canadian had nearly a 3 in 4 chance of being a slightly worse version of someone else.
“Honestly, it’s kind of a relief. Before, most of us just suspected that we were frauds, about to be discovered and cast out at any moment,” explained Dr. Lois Betterman, one of the head researchers on the project. “At least now we all know with certainty that there are about a handful of people who are measurably better than us in every way. Hell, look at me! I’m only doing this press conference because Dr. Ella Besterson is out of town receiving her Nobel Prize.”
“God, she’s so amazing.”
The study also found that the results extended beyond everyday Canadians and included celebrities. Ryan Reynolds was found to just be a spare for Ryan Gosling. Chris Hadfield could be replaced by Marc Garneau if need be. And Tom Mulcair could easily be replaced with Jerry, the angry guy on the block who is always yelling about the government.
The researchers suggested that Canadians who feel unsatisfied with their newly discovered status should probably just tough it out.
“I know a lot of people are feeling pretty crappy right now. Maybe you wish you were more unique,” said Dr. Gooden. “Some of you are going to have a strong urge to take up, say, unicycling or grow an interesting mustache. Let me assure you that it’s pointless. No matter what there will always be someone with a more interesting mustache. My advice is try not to think about it.”
At press time, this piece would have been better if someone else had written it.
