OTTAWA – Former Prime Minister and maniacal rejecter of the Kyoto Protocol Stephen Harper has kept a low profile since October, but was found early this morning chained to a police station by caped vigilante David Suzuki, say sources at City Hall.
Harper mumbled incoherently about a “terrifying goatee, it came out of nowhere from the darkness” as police officers brought him inside. Harper has long opposed all that Suzuki stands for, diabolically controlling Canadian scientists with a silencing ray, dismantling environmental stewardship initiatives with dynamite and in one instance threatening to kill one endangered species every hour until his demands were met. A note was found nearby, marked with Suzuki’s emblem of a globe with glasses: “Your days of wilful blindness and political dithering are over, Harper!”
Suzuki, whose nocturnal exploits have resulted in confusion and turmoil among climate-change deniers, remains at large. Little is known of the masked David Suzuki’s true identity, and psychologists wonder if the vigilante is hiding somewhere in plain view, perhaps as a mild-mannered zoologist or TV personality. It has been noted that Suzuki dresses as the thing that scares him most in an effort to spread that same fear among his enemies, and as such many opponents of environmental protection have reported being assaulted by a man dressed as the Keystone Pipeline.
Police Chief Bordeleau held a press conference to acknowledge the problem of citizens taking the law into their own hands. “We understand that it is a problem that a citizen is enacting vigilante justice without discretion. Just last week we believe he spray painted the word ‘Twerp’ onto 24 Sussex Drive. But until we can catch him in the act or discover the true identity of this mysterious David Suzuki character, there’s very little we can do”.
Police Chief Bordeleau then fielded questions, but refused to answer why there is a searchlight on the roof of police headquarters that projects an image of protected caribou habitat onto the night sky.
