FREDERICTON – Reports are flooding in that the MacIntosh & Carter Law Offices informal Oscar pool was straight up annihilated last night by accounts payable manager Maureen Petrie, 52.
“Wow, she really was on a roll this year,” said Oscar Pool loser and weak-ass chump Mark Johnson, whose fancy-ass law degree only helped him to guess correctly in a pathetic 5 out of 24 categories. Petrie meanwhile managed to run the goddamn board with an unprecedented 21 correct guesses, even predicting several shitty Academy Award categories like Best Documentary Short winner A Girl in the River.
While Petrie has shown herself to be a fucking devastating contender in previous Oscar Pools, with several second and third place finishes, 2016 has proven to be the year where she finally put them shits on lock-down. Petrie obliterated the entire rest of the office, including 2015 Oscar Pool winner Brendan Jenkins, who only guessed 12 winners correctly this year like the sad little bitch his colleagues always suspected he was.
“I can’t believe Petrie guessed that Mark Rylance would win for Bridge Of Spies,” said administrative assistant Tammy Hu, implying that her humiliating 7-to-21 loss was the result of luck, and not of Petrie using her superior intellect to run this Oscar game like a fucking boss.
Reached for comment, noted baller and shot caller Petrie did her best to seem humble, lest her unparallelled victory go on to demoralize her fellow colleagues to the point where their entire office was no longer capable of operating in any capacity.
“I think I might use this ($140 in cold hard dolla billz) to treat myself to a day at the spa,” said supergenius Petrie, before retreating to her cubicle and resting easy in the knowledge that when you come at the queen, you best not miss.
