TORONTO — Cinnamon heart producers were shocked to discover this week that many consumers of the red heart drops are actually eating the product, sometimes compulsively.
“To clarify, the hearts are actually only for decorative purposes,” explained CEO Cindy Alister of International Plastic and Chemicals Corporation. “We have no idea what the long-term health consequences are for people who eat them. We are also certain that the product contains no actual cinnamon, so we can’t explain why there’s a ‘burning’ taste to the product.”
The original intent of the product was for Valentine’s Day-themed aesthetic purposes, similar to fake fruit in a bowl. Instead, executives were horrified to see millions of people stuff handfuls upon handfuls of the red, pebble-like ornaments into their mouths.
“The chemicals we use in these products are the same as those used in the making of nitroglycerin, caulking, and a deadlier version of lead,” Alister added. “And you don’t even want to know what we had to kill to get the right colour of dye.”
Despite the alarming revelation, consumers seem unfazed about the unknown health consequences.
“These cinnamon hearts may be burning a hole in my stomach,” explained a sorrowful man while eating an entire pack of the aforementioned product, “but it’s not as bad as the hole burned into my heart by [ex-partner] Stacey. Come back to me babe!”
With files from Amy Kishek
