OTTAWA — The federal government has announced it will be deploying some 500 civil servant trainers to Iraq to teach their Iraqi counterparts in skills in unassertive forms of procrastination, stubbornness and resentment to resolve ongoing warfare.
Years of sectarian conflict has divided Iraq, but Canada’s bureaucrats believe they can develop a peaceful, inefficient way of resolving problems through a passive-aggressive conflict resolution management, a system that has been employed in federal, provincial and municipal governments for years.
Governmental advisors, who range in rank from assistant deputy ministers to administrative assistants, have already started teaching locals how to resolve their problems through non-violent, often sarcastic, forms of communication and inaction.
“When dealing with a difficult problem such as power sharing between Shi’ais, Sunnis and Kurds, remember that success is less,” explained an anonymous public servant to a crowd of Iraqi government employees. “Don’t talk directly about the problem since that’s awkward. Instead, send out a departmental-wide message that mirrors an almost identical problem so it appears that some action has been taken. When dealing with someone directly, ensure to pass the conflict onto your colleague or a subordinate.”
“You may be dead on the inside, but there’s no reason you have to be dead on the outside,” added the administrator, before turning to the next slide on her three hour long Powerpoint presentation.
Iraqis will be instructed on how to not answer emails, fail to commit to projects, take risks, draw attention to themselves or what they do, and avoid any problem with the phrase “this is technically not in my work description.”
According to sources, the main contingent of Canadian functionary advisors was expected to expand in size, but the paperwork was lost.
