TORONTO – NBA players across North America have taken issue with what they perceive as unqualified elitism at the league’s annual All-Star Game, arguing that the event only widens the gap between working class players and their higher-paid counterparts.
“It’s just going to be a bunch of pompous asses, kissing each other’s pompous asses, and talking about how great it is to be a pompous ass,” said power forward Serge Ibaka from the Oklahoma Thunder. “Seriously, I was first-team all-defense for three years and they never even glanced in my direction!”
Similar rejection was felt throughout the league after 90% of active NBA players discovered that they were, once again, not invited to participate in the marquee event. Some players, such as Patrick Beverly and Tony Allen, are hopeful that, with a bit more hustle and a scrappier attitude, they may get invited next year. Others are more pessimistic.
“You ever notice how it’s almost always the same guys? It’s politics,” said Ramon Sessions, a serviceable Wizards point guard. “You gotta kiss the right asses, throw alley-oops to the right guys, showboat for the fans. It’s rampant egotism. What makes you think that you’re better than me?”
However, some take pride in the exclusion seeing it as a badge of honour all on it’s own.
“I’m a 3 and D guy, my father was a 3 and D guy, and his father was… well the 3-point line wasn’t around back then,” said Wes Matthews of the Dallas Mavericks. “The point is that I work hard for my $70 million contract and that’s all the reward I need.”
At press time, the San Antonio Spurs said it didn’t really matter which of them played in the All-Star Game since they were all part of the same hivemind anyway.
Headline by Cathryn Naiker
