OTTAWA — The Student Federation of the University of Ottawa has, through sheer force of will, closed the University of Ottawa citing a hodgepodge of Marxist teachings and various notions of privilege.
“We’re fed up fighting these small battles,” said one member of the student union who called for an immediate shutdown of university operations after discovering post-secondary education privileges during her hourly privilege check. “We see now that the only way forward is to dismantle the education industrial complex.”
Students left the campus chanting “Hey-Ho! U of O has got to go!” as they clamoured onto city transit wielding their universal bus passes. Many seemed unsure why they were leaving the University, and most stated that Student Federation officials promised free food and live music if students left their classrooms.
Undergraduates in the faculties of Science and Engineering were found still in their classrooms and labs, unaware that the University had been dismantled. Second-year Organic Chemistry student, Amira Mustafa, when notified of the state of affairs, visibly sighed and remarked “Looks like the Arts students are on recess again.”
“The University represents everything we fundamentally oppose. First and foremost we are occupying stolen Algonquin territory. The curriculum itself is Eurocentric. The campus is overrun by cisgender straight white men like myself. It costs $30,000 in student loans to get a measly piece of paper. And that’s to say nothing of the commodification of knowledge!” said Alexandre Langlois, an exasperated political science graduate student.
“What are we even doing here?” said Langlois. “Fuck it, we’re out!”
At press time, the Student Federation had dismantled itself citing the oppressive nature of its own operations.
