TORONTO – Appearing at a downtown Toronto grocery store selling beer for the first time since the province privatized sales, a visibly intoxicated Kathleen Wynne urged shoppers to join her in disrobing, and to, quote, “get weird with it.”
“Unclench your b-holes, squares!” the Ontario premier implored customers in between sips of what witnesses say was her second Rhyme & Reason Pale Ale. “Let’s put the ‘free’ back in ‘free market’!”
When her repeated, increasingly handsy overtures failed to yield any takers, a triumphant Wynne simply shrugged and snatched a rotisserie chicken out of a nearby display case.
“Fuckin’ YES, guy!” she exclaimed upon noting the chicken’s especially crispy wings. “I love it when I can just bite through the bones!”
Wynne estimated that the beer she used to wash down each sloppy bite, including that big one with all the skin that got lodged in her throat for a second, cost as much as twenty percent less than it would have, had she bought it at the Beer Store, the latest addition to her growing list of vanquished political foes.
“It’s simple, really,” she added while lighting up a Belmont right in the store. “You come at me, and I’ll fuck your shit up, bro. Don’t matter if it’s The Beer Store, Hydro One, or Stephen motherfuckin’ Harper. K-Dubs ain’t afraid to stomp a bitch.”
Wynne concluded that by reminding reporters that she’d only come to the grocery store to crush brews and race shopping carts, noting that she’s all out of brews before hijacking a cart from a passing shopper and speeding away.
“I’M GOING TO LIVE FOREVER! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
