PARIS – In an impassioned speech at the Paris Climate Summit on Tuesday, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau issued a public demand that the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) immediately take steps to reduce production of harmful emissions by 20%.
“When I withdrew Canadian jets from Syria, I assured the rest of the democratic world that Canada would remain an active participant in the fight against ISIS,” Trudeau began, “and I can see no better way to fight that good fight than by encouraging ISIS to develop environmentally sustainable practices when conducting their terrorist acts.”
Examples of ISIS’ poor environmental record include an overreliance on oil, abundant use of electronics, and failure to organically dispose of severed heads.
Advisors close to the Prime Minister have confirmed that this is no idle threat and that Trudeau is fully prepared to issue more speeches about ISIS’ environmental record if they do not comply.
“ISIS’ record on climate change is abysmal,” said Catherine McKenna, Canadian Minister of Environment, “and it has the worst carbon footprints of any terrorist group. Canada must act as a leader and stand on the front lines by insisting that ISIS appreciate the damage it is doing to Mother Earth.”
McKenna stressed that while Trudeau supports the global campaign to wipe ISIS off the face of the Earth, he feels equally strongly about ensuring that ISIS behaves in an ecologically responsible way.
In a pamphlet published alongside Prime Minister Trudeau’s speech, the Liberal party encourages ISIS to take small, incremental steps in the right direction, pointing out that installing solar panels on half-tracks and phasing out non-renewable combustible materials in its explosive devices would be welcomed by the environmentally-minded worldwide. It also advises that burning only non-synthetic flags can immediately improve air quality in urban areas.
The government advised it would be steadfast on the demands. “Make no mistake,” commented Minister McKenna, “if ISIS fails for even a moment to meet its own self-imposed due dates for emissions cuts, we will not, under any circumstances, allow them more than three extensions to those due dates.”
“The line must be drawn here!” Trudeau continued in his fiery speech, “ISIS is a fanatical regime dedicated to the deaths of all its perceived enemies. It is Canada’s role – no – its responsibility to respectfully educate ISIS that if it does not swiftly change their environmental policies, there will be no earth left to murder people on.”
At press time Trudeau was also hoping to convince Boko Haram to purchase machetes made of recycled metals.
