TORONTO – After only one week of the new sex-ed curriculum, local 7th grader Jimmy Donaldson can’t believe he has to spend the entire weekend doing group sex and devil-worship assignments.
“Aw nuts!” said Donaldson, throwing his backpack filled with anal beads and goat blood in frustration. “Ralph wasn’t kidding when he said middle school was tough.”
The homework, as mandated by Premier Kathleen Wynne, promises to teach children about gender identity, the dangers of sexting, and avoiding abusive relationships. However, its main focus is on how to properly worship the Prince of Darkness and the best ways to host and participate in an orgy.
“How the heck am I supposed to know how many points a pentagram has?” complained Donaldson, looking over his demonic summoning assignment. “Wait… ‘penta’? Five! Just like how there are five hands in a penta-fisting!”
While many have lauded the Premier for improving on the out-of-date curriculum, the changes have come under fire from religious parents who feel their rights are not being respected.
“Our new curriculum is designed to prepare our children for real life in the twenty first century, by dredging them in sins of the flesh as the dark lord commands, robbing their innocence and soiling their souls for eternal damnation,” said Premier Wynne while pulling on her nipple clamps. “That’s why we included those lessons on respecting homosexuals. What other possible motivation could we have?”
At press time, Ms. Finkler wasn’t buying the excuse that Jimmy’s dog had eaten his penis.
