ST. JOHN’S — Memorial University has announced that it will accommodate any professor’s religious right to be a complete ass towards students with any type of disability.
“Our university has been dedicated in accommodating students with disabilities,” explained MUN President Gary Kachanoski. “That is, unless your professor can give any religious explanation of how, according to their beliefs, they have to be a dick to you. Sorry, I didn’t write these obscure religious beliefs.”
MUN’s new religious accessibility policy will permit professors to park in handicapped spaces because “it will allow a closer and direct path to the doors, which is symbolic of the Gates of Heaven and therefore closer to God.”
Professors may also give out examinations in incredibly tiny print, hold lectures in halls only accessible to the very athletic and refer to students in ableist slurs, so long as instructors cite a religious law explaining how they are required to be a prick.
“We will continue an inclusive disability policy so long as ableist beliefs can be accommodated,” added Kachanoski.
