NEWARK, UPPER CANADA — Citing his strong personal conviction that refugees must complete proper screening before entering Canada, Citizenship and Immigration Minister Chris Alexander has traveled back to the 1780s to deny his ancestors’ refugee claim.
Alexander, acting as a colonial administrator for British North America, intercepted seven of his ascendants trying to cross the Niagara River who were fleeing the American Revolution.
“We are betwixt two frontiers and not ample supplies to last us a fortnight,” explained Herbert John Alexander, a farmer who was fleeing Pennsylvania because of his loyalty to King George III. “I hath already been tarred and feathered as a traitor. I face a certain death by hanging if I return.”
“That’s unfortunate, but there is no evidence of who you are, nor any paperwork,” Minister Alexander responded with a list and feather pen in hand. “You don’t even have any titles to this land and there are many other refugees who have been waiting for years to enter. Additionally, there aren’t five signatures from His Majesty’s Subjects that can vouch for you as refugees.”
Alexander also pointed out to his ascendants that two of the five children have scurvy, which would place a burden on Upper Canada’s fledgling farming economy.
“We can’t have these boys being reliant on charity instead of doing farm chores,” Alexander scolded.
The Minister even went as far as to suggest his Loyalist great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather could potentially be a security threat.
“There are Yankees hiding among these refugees who want to turn British North America into a Republic! You might have been corrupted by the dangerous ideal of not being taxed without proper representation. Your loyalty may not lie with the His Majesty’s Government, but with the enemy.”
Alexander was last seen pushing the boat loaded with his displaced 18th century relatives back into the Niagara River telling them that they should just keep fighting the Americans and that this refugee problem wasn’t his.
