SEATTLE – Attendees at this summer’s Seattle Zombie Walk met a gruesome and wholly predictable end after taking a detour through the nearby 2015 Husqvarna Chainsaw Expo.
The annual Zombie Walk, an event where participants dress up in their best zombie make up and shamble en masse down Madison Street, was cut fatally short when organizers decided to avoid walking through a recent 3-car pile-up by turning down a nearby street. It was at this point that the pseudo zombie horde descended upon the well-attended chainsaw expo, and disaster struck.
“I just did what any sensible person would do if they saw an oncoming horde of monsters, and they happened to be holding an X-Torque 550 TrioBrake chainsaw,” said unwitting multiple-murderer Darren Jenkins. The local lawncare enthusiast was shopping for a new chainsaw to trim brush on his property, when the Zombie Walk made their calamitous turn down 8th Street.
Over the course of 30 blood-splattered minutes, the various chainsaw aficionados – many of whom reportedly assumed they were “humanity’s last hope” – raided the various exhibitor booths for chainsaws, which they used to eviscerate what later turned out to be their fellow human Seattleites.
“I mean, at one point I was sawing a zombie in half – really giving ‘er – when I heard a second zombie scream ‘Oh Lord no, how could you do this to my husband’,” added Frank Lundegaard, a retired lumberjack, as he was arrested on 132 counts of aggravated homicide. “I guess the talking should have been my first clue. But I just assumed the zombies were mutating the ability to speak like humans again.”
Several other would-be zombie slayers expressed similar regret. “This accidental massacre will haunt me for the rest of my days. However the blade on my 455 Rancher with Air Injection remained sharp, even after slicing through dozens of torsos,” exclaimed Jenna Murphy, a Husqvarna sales rep who reportedly distributed complimentary chainsaws during the melee, before turning her own on an oncoming LARPing group.
This year’s Zombie Walk was briefly heralded as a rousing success, drawing over 3,600 participants at its height, and ending with a meager 532. While this attendance was a Seattle record, a new city record was soon set for most chainsaw-related murders committed in under an hour.
“This was pretty much a worst case scenario,” admitted Zombie Walk organizer and horror film enthusiast Jason Marsten. “However, while it is undeniable that the loss of human life was both heartbreaking and shocking, I do have to concede that – just for a brief moment – this impromptu zombie chainsaw massacre was the coolest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” Marsten will be arraigned at the King County Courthouse this coming Thursday.
While several Zombie Walk participants reportedly escaped the carnage, reports are now coming in that they unfortunately sought refuge in a nearby Sawed-Off Shotgun Convention.
