LAVAL, QC — An urgent report has been issued stating that the people who hand out the free samples at Costco are starting to remember you.
Researchers confirmed that attempts to make yourself “look casual” have been unsuccessful. Up to 85 percent of the Costco staff, including the lady who hands out the Bagel Bites, know who you are and what your deal is. 20 percent of those who recognize you believe that you truly have “no shame.”
The study also revealed that the use of such played-out lines like “Oh, maybe I’ll have just one more,” and “I don’t even usually like cheese!,” have done nothing to hide the fact that you are eating the Costco free sample stock out of house and home.
Experts predict that you have roughly two weekends left before it becomes too embarrassing for you to show your face at the store. After which, the shame of being recognized could diminish a good 15 to 20 percent of your already dwindling self-esteem.
When asked about you, Costco store manager Bob Bentlanian said, “Due to store policies, the Costco staff is obliged to continue offering customers free samples even if they abuse the offer. But make no mistake: we are silently judging you.”
At press time, Costco employees were laughing about you in the break room.
