OTTAWA – Earlier today, Prime Minister Stephen Harper held a press conference to announce that he had been visited by the Canada Day spirits of past, present, and future as he tried to sleep last night.
“As I lay in bed chasing a respite that would not come, there came this withered looking old ghost, dragging chains through my halls. Only when he got close did I recognize him as Jim Flaherty, my old Minister of Finance,” said the clearly shaken Prime Minister. “He warned me that if I didn’t change my miserly, cruel ways my soul would forever be bound to the material plane, never to soar free. I scoffed at the apparition, which, I imagined, had been brought on by indigestion. Little did I know the horrors that were to come.”
Before continuing his tale, the Prime Minister shook with a convulsion of grief. He shouted out to the heavens.
“Fie! Fie on you, Flaherty! Fie on you, old spirit! Oh would that thou hadn’t visited my chambers last night! Wouldst that my life were still the same!”
After gathering himself, Harper went on.
“The first ghost arrived at 10 o’clock, already several hours past my bedtime. He was a jolly sort, with a larger, red nose and a, shall we say, boisterous demeanour. I was unable to make out his name, for he both slurred his words and spoke quietly, explaining that he had a ‘brutal hangover’,” said Harper, as his eyes grew misty with the fog of time. “He showed me one of my first Canada Days. Why, I was merely a boy of 8. Wonderfully young and free. My family and I had driven out to the bank of one of the nation’s, at the time, 2.5 million federally protected waterways. We had such a wonderful day playing in the water and watching the fireworks. But no more.”
The ghost of Canada Day present was described as a jolly giant of a man, with a face rose red from yelling, who went only by the name Baird. Harper explained how the spirit toured him around the country to show him all the different kinds of festivities occurring throughout the nation, from the fireworks of St. John’s to the fireworks of Vancouver, before settling in at the meager, but happy, Canada Day feast of an unemployed climate change researcher.
“The final ghost showed me the image I had long since dreaded. I begged and pleaded for him not to reveal the future to me, but he would not relent. Overcoming my cries he pulled my tapestry aside and showed me what would happen if I did not change my ways: Prime Minister Thomas Mulcair presiding over the Canada Day celebrations on Parliament Hill.”
At this point Harper interrupted the conference upon spotting a young Conservative backbencher meandering down the halls of Parliament.
“You there, boy! What day is it?”
“Me, sir? Why it’s Canada Day!”
“There’s still time! Go down to the LCBO and bring back the biggest bottle of rye whiskey you can find.”
“The one as big as me, sir?”
“Yes! Let’s get this party started.”
