OTTAWA – Canadians were surprised to learn this week that anyone in the nation’s capital is having sex after a report revealed that over a fifth of Ottawa residents are users of the affair-arranging dating service, Ashley Madison.
“This is pretty shocking,” said Montreal resident Marie Gagne. “I mean Ottawa is probably the least sexy city in Canada, and we’re talking about a country that has Fredericton and Saskatoon.”
The greatest surprise in all this has perhaps been among Ottawa’s own citizens, many of whom vehemently deny that adultery, or sex of any kind, goes on in their city.
“Sex? No sir, nothing like that here,” said 57-year-old resident Greg Newman. “I suppose my wife and I have co-joined once, but that was just to consummate and I swear nobody enjoyed it.”
In a press release addressing the issue, the Prime Minister’s Office has called the salacious revelation “completely appalling,” expressing shock that “any employee of [the] Government would be discontent with their miserable marriage.”
“It’s a disgrace,” said Minister of Agriculture Gerry Ritz. “These young politicians can sleep around all they want. But I know that when I go home the wife and I get into our separate beds, and that means we’re standing up for the values of this city and this country.”
