TORONTO – As the 2015 Pan American Games approach, workers and officials are confident that construction of the tunnel leading to the Toronto island airport will be finished on schedule for the 2019 Pan Am Games in Lima.
“It’s going to be great,” said Ports Toronto spokeswoman Erin Mikaluk. “Athletes and tourists will be able to explore our beautiful Toronto Islands, with easy access back to the downtown core. All in in time for them to fly off to the world’s second largest desert city, Lima.”
Despite missing their goal by an estimated four years, Porter and Ports Toronto are confident that the tunnel will still be a boon to Toronto tourism. Work has begun on the ‘Take a Pitstop’ campaign, encouraging flyers to visit Toronto while on their way to Lima.
“Before visiting the majestic mountains of Peru come climb the CN Tower, which is also pretty tall,” reads one advertisement. “Come get E. coli from Lake Ontario’s garbage water before boating down the pristine rivers of the Lima Province.”
Amid criticism that the tunnel will not be finished for the Toronto-hosted Games, officials have tried to justify the setback.
“We said the Games were a deadline for completion, not these Games,” said Mikaluk. “Sure, it happens that this a Porter Airlines project, that Porter Airlines is the official sponsor of the Games, and that the city is expecting a large influx of tourism during the Games. But it’s really not worth reading into these things.”
Contractor Mario Sturino, who had spent the last hour just holding a clipboard while eating a ludicrously big sausage sandwich, also took critics to task.
“What am I going to do? Ask my workers to hold a blowtorch for more than ten minutes a day? You people must want me to lose union rep.”
At press time, Ports Toronto was preparing to enact their contingency plan for the expected inpouring of visitors. Eight row boats have been added to the island’s fleet of ferries, and the steamer “Ol’ Sinky” has been taken out of retirement.
