TORONTO – Despite his claims to the contrary, sources confirm there’s ‘literally no way’ your new landlord didn’t know about the four-foot bedbug living in the second bedroom.
“I no know about bedbug, you must have bring bedbug,” Pavel said, even though the insect is much larger than any of the bags you brought.
Although experts say bedbugs are effective at hiding, there is no possible way that one roughly the size of two side-by-side vacuum cleaners could have crept into the edges of a shelf or between the pages of a book while you were viewing the apartment.
“He must have covered it up with a blanket,” said your roommate Jeff, duct-taping a knife to the end of a broomstick. “I was wondering what happened to that weird-looking ottoman.”
Entomologists also say that bedbugs regularly emit a foul odour, and that Pavel must have invested in several quarts of Febreeze before showing the apartment.
“Legally, it’s the landlord’s responsibility to call in exterminators,” said legal aid lawyer Jacqueline Kwan. “But in cases like this, where four or five exterminators in a row have been traumatically inseminated, there’s very little in the way of legal, physical, or psychological protection for tenants.”
While conventional wisdom says that high temperatures are fatal to bedbugs, nobody can think of a way to lure it downstairs into the dryer, a dryer it would almost certainly not fit into.
“Look, we knew it would come down to this the moment it drank all of Sarah’s blood,” said Jeff, taking a swig of rum while he passed you a hammer.
At press time, Pavel thought that you should be the one paying for a steam cleaner to get all of the blood and haemolymph fluid out of the carpet.
