NORTHWEST TERRITORIES – Geological scientists announced earlier this week that the 200 billion barrels of shale oil discovered in the Northwest Territories would be adequate to push humanity over the edge.
“We estimate that with proper use of hydraulic fracking, refining plants, and distributors we could destroy humanity within 15 years,” said NWT energy minister David Ramsay. “These are, of course, optimistic numbers. Those pesky environmentalists will probably manage to extend humanity’s death rattle for a few more seasons. Some people just hate progress.”
Some have voiced concerns over the impending death of modern human existence but many have taken a more positive view. Oil advocates have pointed out that the Northwest Territories could enjoy a sizable boost to their economy before the planet becomes an inhospitable shell sparsely inhabited by nomadic tribes who kill for food and water.
“Yes, the extra money will be nice,” explained Ramsay. “But I wouldn’t get too attached to it. Or even to the concept of ‘currency’. Out there on the unforgiving salt flats you’ll be buying everything with a sharp blade and a dulled sense of morality. Or so our geologists tell us.”
At press time, oil companies had just started fracking ‘whatever’ in an attempt to speed up our demise.
