OTTAWA – Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird surprised reporters yesterday by announcing that he would be leaving his post in order to spend his time preventing development and change in his home and local community, just as he has on the global stage for the past several years.
“There comes a time in a man’s life when he realizes he no longer wants to be gallivanting around the world, stopping international climate change agreements and condemning UN efforts to create sustainable peace in the Middle East,” said Baird at the impromptu press conference. “Instead, he wants to come home, put his feet up, and make sure nothing gets better here either.”
Although Baird did not get into specifics, his office did reveal that his domestic priorities will include immediately terminating his house’s compost waste program, scaling back his housekeeper Rosa’s vacation pay, and banding with other like-minded individuals to stop local teachers from telling students that the Alberta tar sands may be contributing to climate change.
“It was an honour to serve my country, but I am excited for this new phase of my life as the old man who yells at teenagers to stop riding bikes and buy a car,” added Baird.
At press time, Finance Minister Joe Oliver said he was taken aback by Baird’s reasoning, as he had always been able to find the time to screw up both his country and home’s finances.
