OTTAWA – Shortly after the resignation of Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird, the Harper government has introduced his seven-foot-eight, 482-pound successor, the Honourable Mungo.
“Haurrgh,” said the new minister, in a brief but heartfelt speech. “Graugh!”
The new foreign affairs minister went on to add that ‘Hungry, Mungo Hungry,’ while flailing a semiconscious Justin Trudeau around like a rag doll.
“The Honourable Mungo is everything that you could want in a cabinet minister,” said Prime Minister Harper, allowing Mungo to eat a slice of apple out of the palm of his hand. “He’s loyal, obedient, and fears fire.”
Federal Science Minister Ed Holder went on to add that Mungo’s healthy splice of Elephant Seal DNA made him semi-aquatic, and that his several dozen kilograms of tumour weight rendered him ‘resistant to most kinds of bullet.’
“In many ways, Mungo is like the son I will never have,” said John Baird, showing the scars from where Holder extracted his plasm. “I hope he continues my legacy of yelling at people and things.”
At press time, the Honourable Mungo was dying in the weeping Prime Minister’s arms, after being lured underneath a falling portcullis by Opposition Leader Thomas Mulcair.
