1) Five boxes of wine
If you want to take a traditional route, don’t bother with carbs or industrial chemicals, and enjoy the elegant simplicity that is five boxes (or about 120 cups) of wine. For the under-25’s, feel free to go with a fruity blend like rose, but after that, it’s Chardonnay for you, Madame. (Forever!)
Tip: to make the festive variation “Southern-Style Five Boxes of Wine” take a minute to decant the vino into a mason jar and add as much brown sugar as you can. This has the added plus of helping you purge early enough to finish the rest. (Wink wink!)
2) Tur-pie-en
A turducken might be a showy treat, but why put so much work into something no one will really appreciate you for making? We recommend a simpler variation made from turkey, chicken, and a store-bought pie of your choosing. Don’t worry about neatly fitting the components together, just stick the chicken on the pie, fold the pie in half, and shove it as far as you can into the turkey. Nothing shows your family how much you care like a turkey bleeding blueberry chicken juice.
After baking, cook either in a conventional oven, or in the steam from a 90-minute shower. Chef’s préférence!
3) Love Letters
Not sure what to do with those old letters your ex sent you in college? Tried hiding them but can’t stop bringing them out? Then dispose of them in the one place you can’t ever bear to look—inside yourself!
When it comes to sauce, we recommend building this around the main ingredient. Got a salty missive from that handsome sailor who wouldn’t leave his wife for you? Try mixing it with a tangy lemon-garlic dressing. A bittersweet dear-John? Add some warm caramel with mocha chips and it’ll go down a lot easier.
And don’t think you have to stop at broken romances! Feel free to experiment with diplomas, baby shoes—hell, even that little plaster handprint your son made in first grade and gave it to you and he was so proud, and you were so proud…
4) A fucking baked apple
Literally nothing—nothing—is a better expression of how you feel than a naked, shivering, solitary baked apple. Don’t overpower its eloquent simplicity with ice cream, frosting, or nutmeg. For bonus points, leave the sticker on and save it for last.
5) Nothing
If you skip the fancy meal altogether, it’s as though the holiday (and your family!) never happened. Try things other than sitting down for a meal–go for a jog, practice your clarinet, see Gone Girl (Haha—we’re kidding, see anything but Gone Girl). If you’re feeling extra-ambitious, take a moment to share your Nothing with your friends and neighbours: an empty roasting pan or soup tourine on their doorstep will always get your gesture across.
When the holidays come, it’s a time of celebration, and it’s also a time to realize that each of us is broken, and whether your family is visibly fracturing, or whether you just know deep inside that under the surface everything is wrong, all wrong, so wrong…rotting… we have a recipe for you!
