CANADA – Lover’s of Smoke’s Poutinerie nation-wide are breathing a joint sigh of relief, as the company implements a new service policy letting them throw out half of each poutine before it is even served.
“This is what our customers want,” said Smoke’s founder Ryan Smolkin. “There have been suggestions that we introduce smaller servings or that people just realize that they can’t eat three pounds of gut-destroying muck. But frankly, that’s just ridiculous.”
Smolkin went on to explain that Smoke’s doesn’t want consumers to feel guilty over wasting food themselves, but that they still need to be able to brag to their friends about the grotesque amount of poutine that they’re ordering
“I mean, drunken goading and dares account for 94% of our sales,” added Smolkin. “We don’t want to lose that spirit of misguided, gastrological one-upmanship. That’s what we’re all about”
But not all parties are convinced. Several frequent consumers, all of whom were vaguely sweaty, decried the removal of their menu options.
“I don’t know man, sometimes I feel like I can finish a large,” said Toronto resident Mark Neilson, who once almost finished two thirds of a large Nacho Grande.
Countering these fears, Smolkin has assured loyal customers that Smoke’s will also be introducing an extra-large size of poutine, “for those DIY types.”
When asked if employees would also be smearing gravy onto customers’ faces, hammering them in the stomach with a piece of wood, and injecting them with a serum that creates a sense self-loathing, Smolkin responded that Smoke’s will be taking things one step at a time.
