CAMP DIAMOND RIVER, ONTARIO – Confident that the axe wielding maniac who has terrorized them over the past 34 hours is definitely dead this time, following a struggle that saw him shot multiple times before falling from a cliff, a group of local teens intends to continue exploring their budding sexualities.
“OK, now that guy with the axe is dead, I’m going to take the pickup out to Make-Out Point with [daughter of local police chief] Mary [Richards]” said high school football team quarterback Charles “Chip” Harris, 18, who in speaking to his male friends described as “pretty good” his chances of getting to “second base, minimum”. “If we’re not back in a couple hours, don’t worry”, he continued, miming a sexual act using his hands, while his audience smiled knowingly and continued to drink cheap domestic beer.
Although shaken by the numerous near-death experiences at the hands of the black-clad, mask wearing killer, who according to radio reports escaped from the nearby Federal Home for the Criminally Disturbed, the teens have no intention to cut short their excursion to the isolated, phone-line-free cabin where they plan to spend the rest of the long weekend in a state of half clothed, immediately pre-coitus revelry, confident that the threat of bodily harm has been dealt with by their assailant’s death.
The sole exception is Abigail Price, a bookish and abstemious honours student, who came along for the trip due only to her secret, unrequited crush on fullback Brian “Big News” Lawson. “Guys, I don’t know,” she said, “that man just tried to kill us. That’s pretty serious. We should get in the car and the pickup and drive to the nearest town. It’s pretty late, but the roads are quiet, and we can phone the police from there. Even if he’s dead, this is the safest and most responsible thing to do.”
Price’s companions, however, universally rejected her suggestions. “Look, the repeated axe attacks were scary, but he’s dead now, and we can get back to what we came for: partying! Abby’s such a wet blanket,” said Richards. “She wouldn’t try any of the pot that Cheese brought”, referring to marijuana aficionado and academic probationee Kyle “Cheese” Watkins, “and she got sick off of, like, half a beer. Anyway, that scratching noise at the back of the cabin is probably just tree branches in the wind or whatever.”
While the previous two times the teens thought they had overcome the slasher were both mistaken, the thirty-foot drop from the cliff was deemed more than enough to kill him, and the lack of a body at the bottom was ascribed to its being carried off by “a bear or something.”
As of press time, Big News has been an awful long time coming back with those beers he went to get from the car, and it’s probably best if everyone splits up to go look for him.
