SECRET LAB, MOJAVE DESERT – Scientists and humanitarians the world over were astonished and appalled today, as the international biotechnology corporation, Monsanto, announced that they were planning to release a genetically modified version of Dave into the global marketplace.
“Dave has been a staple guy for years,” said company representative John Schrob. “But our goal is to make sure people get more Dave for a lower cost.”
Sources say that the new version of Dave is ten pounds lighter, has better hair and skin, is 8% better at smoking weed and playing video games, and is immune to a variety of parasites.
“That’s because New Dave’s blood is up to 16% DDT,” Schrob said. “Technically, there’s no law against that.”
Although Dave made with traditional methods has been outspoken against the new product, the marketplace has come down clearly on the side of New Dave.
“New Dave calls once a week, and he’s risen through the ranks to become the assistant manager of his Tim Horton’s,” said Dave’s mother, Carol. “Also, he poops Sorghum, and that’s a very nutritious kind of grain.”
Although New Dave has built in obsolescence – he is sterile and has to be repurchased each season – Dave’s friends, family and girlfriend all agree they prefer it to a product that was ‘obsolete from the start’.
“With the success of New Dave, we can start rolling out other new people, too,” Schrob said. “Eventually, we hope to replace everyone with a version of themselves that doesn’t think too much about how we were the company that manufactured Agent Orange.”
At press time, Monsanto was suing Dave for copyright infringement for the ‘continued and odious use’ of Dave’s DNA.
With files by Larry Noonan
