HAMILTON – A delighted Chantal and Martin Derevoix welcomed a brand new resource consuming, tax on the environment into the world yesterday.
Weighing 7lbs and named Typhany, the increase in carbon footprint is considered healthy and likely to live a long, unsustainable lifestyle in an already overpopulated planet.
“We couldn’t be happier,” explained mother Chantal who will soon begin buying an endless amount of baby products, including diapers, cribs, toys, and strollers, nearly all of which are produced in countries with minimal environmental regulations.
“We’re going to give her the best there is!” said Martin before failing to add “while there is still anything left.”
The proud couple is said to be looking into housing options in the suburbs, which will increase their reliance on vehicles, further contributing to a path of consumption that will–sooner than anyone is willing to admit it–make it impossible for their daughter’s children to inhabit the earth.
“It’s just amazing to think that one day, our little baby could grow up to do something amazing, like cure cancer or save the environment,” said Chantal, apparently unaware that the population growth she has now contributed to has helped guarantee the environment will be too damaged to save before her daughter even graduates middle school.
At press time, the Derevoix’ extended family were all planning to fly from Quebec to visit the new bundle of carbon emissions.
