ST. JOHN’S – With no candidates stepping forward to replace recently resigned premier-designate Jack Coleman, the province of Newfoundland announced today that it will name the first citizen that sobers up its next premier.
Insiders say it could be weeks before a suitable candidate emerges, as most of the province was on a bender last night, what with it being Tuesday and everything. A man seen waking up in a pool of his own vomit on George Street was withdrawn from contention upon being identified as a visitor from Toronto who’d passed out shortly after getting screeched in the night before.
In the interim, the government has vowed to maintain all of the province’s essential services, including flights to Fort McMurray, keeping the deep fryers on, and making sure Smitty don’t sneak no more beers out of the back fridge. All residents are asked to please sleep it off and drink some coffee so we can get this mess sorted out, for fuck’s sake.
