MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA – In a move that promises to ravish and dilapidate the transportation industry, technology leviathan Google, Inc. has revealed ‘Walker’: a fully-functional prototype of an automobile driver that works entirely without the need for an automobile.
“‘Walker’ is our response to the question: ‘What if?’” said Google CEO Larry Page while the words ‘innovation’, ‘incubation’ and ‘ambulation’ flashed above his head. “What if we didn’t need wheels? What if there was no pollution? What if we didn’t need oil changes? In short, what if we didn’t need cars? You got it: the answer is Walker.”
“The future is now,” added Page.
The revolutionary device, which has been in development at the Googleplex for seven years, maneuvers its way through sidewalks by using an ultra high-frequency detector called the Neurocast, which processes sensory information from two ultra high-resolution front-facing cameras called Optichords and two ultra high-fidelity side-facing microphones called Auranids.
Walker will need to be charged three times a day using “organic fuels,” which Google intern Leila Kramer claims should be just enough for activities like “going to work”, “hanging out with friends”, and “working out.”
“Walker is extremely versatile and easy to use,” said Kramer. “It will also be backwards compatible with other Google products, such as Android phones and Google Glass, so loyal customers can rest assured.”
At the present, Walkers have only been tested on isolated sidewalks around the Googleplex and have trouble in certain weather conditions. However, sources at Google are confident that expansion to regular city sidewalks is “imminent,” and that Walker’s ability to move through snow and rain will be improved through the purchase of “simple peripherals”.
At press time, rival tech company Apple, Inc. announced plans for Runner, a high-performance, more robust variant of Walker that is able to function at faster speeds but is also more expensive and less customizable.
