HAMILTON – Authorities have confirmed that, while they haven’t checked in a while, it is “quite likely” that at least 4 people in Hamilton have been stabbed today.
“I don’t want to speculate too much, but based on historical stabbing averages in this town, we are extremely confident that anywhere between 4 and 79 of our citizens currently have a metal blade somewhere in their body that was not there yesterday,” said Constable Eric Scott.
None of the injuries suffered are believed to be life threatening, hoped the police. However the Hamilton Spectator acknowledged it had its pre-written obituaries for stabbing victims ready to go, just in case.
The cause of the assaults probably included “too many drugs, not enough drugs to share, revenge for an earlier stabbing by the person who just got stabbed, and wanting to try out a new knife that was recently purchased.”
“The good news is, with the economy still struggling, its getting harder and harder for people to afford knives,” added officer Scott.
At press time, everyone in Hamilton was preparing for the ‘drunk homeless person yelling at them’ street festival that was almost certainly about to happen.
