TORONTO – In total, 2,194 runners competed in the GoodLife Fitness Toronto Marathon over the weekend, many of whom were total assholes. But 32 year old local man, and all-around okay guy, David Zarnett’s 1,376th place finish on Sunday proved, once and for all, that nice guys don’t exactly finish last. Rather, they land somewhere near the back of the middle of the pack.
Zarnett, described by friends and family as an introvert who goes about his business, loves his dog, yet can’t quite meet the right girl, completed the race in 3:55:23, almost exactly the median time for racers in the 18-34 age bracket. He finished a full 24 minutes behind his training partner, Matthew Kaplan, who reportedly elbowed Zarnett at the start line, doesn’t call his mother enough, and cheated on his 2013 income tax return.
Fellow racers were taken with Zarnett’s decorum on the track. “He apologized every time he passed someone. He let winded runners draft behind him. He even made a point to stop and thank the people who gave him water in those paper cups,” reported 774th place finisher Andrew Eaton. “And If he didn’t spend 5 minutes trying to find an appropriate recycling bin for those cups, he probably could have cracked the top 800.”
Rather than immediately brag about his accomplishments on social media like everyone else in his office’s running group, Zarnett celebrated his middling placing at the post-race mixer by eating only his fair share of the vaguely healthy, vegetarian hors d’oeuvres, and drinking a single beer because he “wanted there to be enough for everyone.” He went so far as to buy 24 year old GoodLife volunteer Katie Graham a drink, only to later observe Ms. Graham leaving the party with marathon winner Brendan Gibbs, who once hit a parked car and didn’t even leave a note.
