MISSISSAUGA, ON – Citing a lack of other credible candidates and a smooth-drinking, life-extending flavour, 93-year-old Mississauga Mayor Hazel McCallion has thrown her influence behind both Kathleen Wynne and O’Carthy’s Immortality Serum.
“I think Tim Hudak’s plan to slash the civil service is unsupportable, and I think that the youth-flavoured, all-thaumaturgical ingredients of Mister O’Carthy’s ForeverNectar are what keep me going,” said the implausibly old politician.
With the accumulated experience and goodwill of over 35 years in office, as well as the slight telepathic abilities granted to her by a lifetime-and-a-half of Immortality Serum consumption, experts believe McCallion’s endorsement could bring entire ridings over to the Liberals.
“Mayor McCallion knows what her constituents need and want,” said Janelle D’Souza, mayor’s aide. “Why else would they keep sending an annual tithe of their children to the Serum Factory?”
Although NDP candidate Andrea Horwath has also opposed Tim Hudak’s cuts, McCallion did not throw her support behind the orange candidate because she did not “know where she stands.”
“I know where I stand when I drink O’Carthy’s, though,” said the ancient civil servant. “I stand atop the human race, looking down on them, like ants, forever, and forever, and forever.”
At press time, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford had thrown his weight behind Doctor O’Extraordinary’s Miracle Crack
