OTTAWA – In what is being called a landmark case, the Supreme court of Canada has ruled doctor-assisted regicide unlawful, a decision that could have far-reaching implications for ongoing plots against Kings, Queens, and Upper Barons in Canada.
The case was brought to court by the relatives of King Griegor du Hoomwindel– known best for his gladiatorial tendencies and fish-swallowing–in the late 1980’s. His son, Maximilliouz, and wife Hysinthae of Mumphy, began exploring options for ending the King’s life, and thereby seizing rule over his lands and livestock. However even after a conclusive analysis of his bile/melancholy ratio led Hoomwindel to be declared a warlock in 1996, the King’s family was unable to secure any legal means to end his life.
In an interview with Peter Mansbridge on Tuesday, Maximilliouz expressed frustration at his family’s predicament.
“Our Royal physician and alchemist recommended several effective methods for dispatching the Tyrant, including guillotining, snuff poisoning, and grief. These have all been employed with success for generations, but I guess that’s not enough for those nine druids on the bench.” Despite Mansbridge’s repeated questions, Maxemillioux had no comment on Hoomwindel’s recent fathering of a child with a lion.
Although Hoomwindel’s case is extreme, similar challenges have recently been raised to Part XII of Canada’s Criminal code, which prohibits “any willful or unwillful killing of a sitting monarch through any means with the exception of childbirth.” These include the high-profile cases like that of Archduke Thimbaphin Mirri, who was sentenced to eight to ten years in prison after poisoning his brother’s finger bowl.
John Finch, head of the Guild of the Nightwhispers’ Assassins, expressed concern about the ruling’s effect on his industry during an interview in his Collingwood workshop. “Some of our assassins have resorted to measures as elaborate as suspending a large, heavy sword above the patient’s throne with only a single thread before leaving the room to let gravity take its course,” Finch, a small boy with an old man’s face, then returned to loading poison into a hidden compartment in a large gemstone ring.
Symion Quimson, who represented the Hoomwindels, expressed concern over the stability of the monarchy should regicide be removed as a legal mechanism. “When the ruler of the realm goes mad, overstays his welcome, or gets possessed by a witch, there has to be a way to remove him or her from power.”
At press time, Quimson was in the process of being hanged for treason.
