TORONTO – In a shocking twist, The Beaverton has received an exclusive video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford not smoking crack cocaine, stumbling drunkenly, or shouting any ethnic slurs.
In spite of the numerous recordings of Ford that depict him smoking crack, drunk in public, belittling minorities, uttering homophobic slurs, smoking crack again, and slipping on a football field, this new video reportedly shows the mayor sitting in his office and reading a policy briefing.
The video then shows the Mayor picking up what appears to be a pen and signing a document not related to illicit substances or legal documents regarding him being sued.
“This is unprecedented for Ford,” said reporter Robyn Doolittle, who broke the story that Ford had been caught on tape last May smoking crack, and then broke the other story that Ford was caught on tape this week smoking more crack. “I mean, I’ve seen Rob Ford do and smoke some pretty shocking things. But to witness him, completely unaware that he was being taped, genuinely doing some work? I can only assume this is part of some brilliant, Machiavellian political strategy.”
Ford Nation was quick to rush to the Mayor’s aid, insisting that any video of Ford reading a policy briefing must have been faked. On the pro-Ford Facebook group “I Hate The War On Rob Ford”, commenter FordMoreBeers wrote, “Definitely a photoshop by the lie-beral media! My man Ford was sent down to city hall to drive the latte-sippin elites crazy and party all night! Not do boring work. The first tipoff that it’s fake is where it says Robbie was reading. NO WAY THAT’S REALLY HIM!!!”
“This is the most politically biased video I’ve ever seen,” said city councillor and Ford campaign manager, Doug Ford. “There’s no way Rob was caught on video doing whatever thing it is he’s accused of today. I’m gonna see someone in court for accusing the people’s mayor of doing whatever thing it is he is alleged to have done this time.” After being informed of the latest Ford video’s shockingly benign subject matter, a visibly tired Doug Ford began handing out twenty dollar bills to the assembled reporters.
At press time, the Re-elect Mayor Rob Ford Campaign was right on schedule.
