OKLAHOMA – A special panel convened following a series of botched executions has announced today that Oklahoma prisons will be replacing the potent chemical cocktail previously used in lethal injections with a different chemical cocktail found in highly processed beef products for future executions.
A nationwide shortage of the anaesthetic sodium thiopental began after many European Union counties refused to sell the drug for the purposes of capital punishment. This has prompted a search for a new humane method of executing those on death row.
“This panel has come to the conclusion that a massive intake of hot dogs, Arby’s sandwiches and microwavable Ikea meatballs is a much more humane and reliable way to end the lives of offenders convicted and condemned to death,” said Dr. Matthew K. Petal, Chair of the Oklahoma Executions Exploration Panel.
“This solution will eliminate the uncertainty of mixing different alternative pharmaceuticals, as a controlled and unending dosage of cooked bovine flesh forced into the human body will eventually kill any man.”
The panel notes the procedure first creates the sensation of being really full, rendering the inmate too sleepy to stay conscious. Eventually the surgical beef medium fills the inmate’s veins and lungs, as the heart slowly comes to a stop and the brain is deprived of oxygen.
Civil rights groups continue to battle the death penalty in the United States, while many animal rights groups are questioning why the inmates couldn’t just be given a hot tofu injection.
The panel’s recommendations are expected to pass through the Oklahoma state legislature later this month, but will consider other methods proposed in the report, including death by tornado.
