OTTAWA – After being refused human meat at a local restaurant, neighbourhood cannibal Frank Willis is charging that nearby eateries are discriminating against a lifestyle choice that emphasizes eating “the only animals that arguably deserve it.”
“A Japanese restaurant that doesn’t actually serve any Japanese?” Said Willis, waving a banner that said ‘Murder is Meat’. “That’s what I call false advertising.”
Reached by email, the restaurant would only state that they “have never, and would never, serve human flesh”, and did not respond to queries about their advertisements’ statement that they “served everyone in a casual environment.”
“We can’t go to a restaurant without Frank assuming, for some reason, that it serves the cooked bodies of human beings,” said friend Bill Peavie. “This is just like the time when we went out for Southern barbecue, and he asked how long the southern babies’ ribs were smoked for.”
Another friend, Rhonda Jura, was more sympathetic to Willis’ cause.
“I’m lactose intolerant, so I get where he’s coming from,” said Jura. “One time, we went out for coffee, and they didn’t have any lactose free or soy milk! Frank understood. Also, he got pretty angry at the barista because the BLT they were selling had neither Belgians nor Latvians in it.”
Willis has said that the refusal of restaurants to serve meals that adhere to his dietary practices is “tantamount to discrimination”, and that suggestions that he find a substitute by salting pork heavily or eating the flesh of other primates is “offensive”.
“Their actions are inconsiderate,” Willis said. “But in the end, they’re only hurting themselves by failing to cater to a dietary restriction that is more popular than you think. Far, far more popular.”
At press time, following the example of urban pigeon-raisers, Willis continues to lure drifters into a secret room in his basement.
