NEW YORK – After maiming an entire flashmob two years ago, Vietnam veteran Lester Farley was acquitted of 36 cases of assault earlier this afternoon.
“Personally, I’m satisfied with the verdict” said Melanie Sawyers, an undergraduate student who lost three fingers in the incident. “Mister Farley is a good man, we just. . . you know, triggered some things in him.”
The flashmob, organized by a group of students who met online and called themselves “LOVEverywhere”, involved congregating with lit sparklers around random individuals and executing a choreographed dance routine. The stated purpose of the mob was to ‘surround people with a halo of love.”
“Of course, we don’t blame Mister Farley for responding the way he responded,” said Travis Coyles, 24. “We took him by surprise, and he just acted how they trained him to act.”
“He was really apologetic afterwards. He seemed genuinely embarrassed when he handed me back my ear ” Coyles added, picking at his mound of scar tissue.
Records of eyewitness reports show that no sooner had the youths surrounded Farley, dozing on a concrete bench at the time, and lit their sparklers, than did the veteran lash out, screaming “you won’t take me like you took the others.” Seconds later, after the damage was done, Farley was seen rocking back and forth, mumbling the lyrics to The Doors’s 1967 song, “This Is the End”.
“Well, I’m glad about the acquittal, but heck, I still just feel so bad about those kids.” Farley told reporters on the courthouse steps. “Boy oh boy do I owe those kids some cigarettes and heroin.”
Farley is not the only veteran to come to trial this month. A jury will rule next Thursday in the case of Jock “Spitfire” Sutton, a World War II veteran charged with bayoneting thirteen guests at an Oktoberfest celebration last fall.
With files by Steve Hobbs.
