Name: McGill University
Nickname: The Harvard of the North, Oxford of the West, the UCLA of the East, the University of Canberra of the North-Northeast, and the Moleman Episcopalian College of the Topside
Motto: “Come! You can drink in first year! Try not to think about what winter will be like!”
History:
Founded in 1821 by James McGill, a prominent member of the Chateau Clique. A group of Tories who ruled Montreal with a catty fist in the early 1800s, the Chateau Clique crushed all resistance from the Chateau Geeks, the Chateau Jocks and the Chateau Stoners. The university library maintains the only known copy of James McGill’s personal 1824 “burn book”, which contains such cutting remarks as, “I remember when [Anglican Archbishop of Quebec] Jacob Mountain could fit into a size 2 frock, but of course back then he was called Jacob Hill”, “They say William McGillivray is a fur trader, but I just say he needs a Brazilian”, and “[Prominent banker] Horatio Gates is a full bag of slut.”
McGill quickly made a name for itself with pioneering research across many fields. In the early 1900s famed chemist Ernest Rutherford discovered Radon, a deliciously glowing substance that people probably ate and drank for years before the troublemaking Rutherford pointed out that it caused cancer. Thanks, dick.
The massive 2012 Quebec student protests were well-attended by both politically active, socially-conscious students and students who were quietly and desperately in love with the politically active, socially-conscious students. The protests were considered wildly successful both by those who wanted to remove Charest from office, and by those with a secret fetish for seeing millenials blinded by rubber bullets.
The McGill campus flooded in early 2013, which the guys with the horn-rimmed glasses who chain-smoke outside your building all agree was “pretty ironic”. When you asked them what they meant by that, they told you to brush up on your Jacques Lacan, because “Derrida is too mainstream”.
Pros:
– If you try hard enough, your dumb undergraduate opinions could be seen by all 60,000 McGill Daily readers.
– With 340 academic programs to choose from you’ll be able to tell people that your major is something they’ve “probably never heard of”.
– McGill sports teams are known as “The Redmen”, which sounds kind of racist, but is actually only sexist!
– If you’re from Ontario, it’ll feel like you never left.
Cons:
– So hip that the entrance requirements include : properly ranking the best cartoons of the 90s, naming all 4 trombonists from Arcade Fire, and identifying the Thai fusion restaurant that Chuck Klosterman once described as having “the punk-rock sensibilities of Black Flag, plus Sriracha. Three stars.”
– Gorilla Composting is not just a clever name for a McGill club, it’s something you’ll actually have to do when you accidentally kill a gorilla during frosh week hazing rituals. “Oh Jesus, it’s dead, somebody call an ambulance!” “No. It’s too late. But I have a plan. And it’s eco-conscious.”
– If you approach local Montrealers to “try out your french”, keep in mind that they are legally required to yell at you and spit on your clothing.
– “Just for Laughs: Gags” is responsible for roughly eleven student deaths per semester.
– “Drinking legally at 18” doesn’t mean you can drink in a court of law at 18. Or any time. Please go home, we are trying to convict a murderer.
Did you know?
…THAT IT IS WIDELY AGREED UPON BY MCGILL UNIVERSITY AND THOSE ASSOCIATED WITH MCGILL UNIVERSITY THAT MCGILL UNIVERSITY IS THE HARVARD OF THE NORTH?
… that McGill’s website boasts of its 215,000 living alumni, but makes no mention of the endless ranks of its dead alumni, out there, waiting in the dark with their cold, grasping hands?
… that McGill’s other mascot, The Martlet, is a footless mythological bird that can never land and symbolizes the blind, upward-soaring, desperate quest for achievement exhibited by your average McGill student?
… that the McGill University Library has 13 branches and over 6 million items? These items include books, lamps, carpets, and partially composted gorilla carcasses.
Famous Alumni:
Wilfred Laurier, model for the $5 bill, nude model for the secret $5 bill where both he and the Queen are nude, and if you flip it over fast enough it makes it look like he has boobs.
Leonard Cohen, Grammy Award-winning sad man
Win Butler, Grammy Award-winning sad man
James Naismith, Inventor of basketball, which is a sort of skateless, vertical hockey
Sheila Fraser, Musical genius behind the album, “2001: a Space Auditor General”
