Name: University of Calgary
Nickname: Ol’ Rootin, Tootin’, and Pollutin’
Motto: “There will be blood.”
History:
University of Calgary was founded in 1966 as a direct response to the aggressively peaceful “hippie menace” that threatened to prevent this great nation from joining the war effort in Vietnam. Happily repressed WASP parents were shocked that their children could be so easily corrupted by recreational psychedelics and political ideologies that didn’t involve keeping watch through the curtains anytime someone poor walked by. They needed to set their children straight.
And what better way to set children straight than to send them to Alberta?
In 1975, sculptor George Norris completed work on one of UofC’s most recognizable/only landmarks. The 18 foot high, 4.5 ton piece was left untitled by its creator but the student body has since dubbed it the “Prairie Chicken” because nervous students often sacrifice livestock beneath it to ensure good grades.
In 2007 the University of Calgary opened a campus in Qatar, a country with a GDP made up of 60% oil revenues and 40% homophobia revenues. UCQ offers a world-recognized Bachelor’s of Nursing and offers exotic opportunities for a Canadian student abroad, like being beaten by police for engaging in public displays of affection.
Since the floods in the summer of 2013, Calgary has been a beautiful city of canals, and students are encouraged to gondola their way in between classes, singing O Sole Mio.
Pros:
– Calgary campus Green Party has as many members as the federal Green Party caucus.
– Student housing really cheap in oil sands.
– Bermuda Shorts Day gives you a chance to see some beautiful calves without having to go all the way to the stampede.
– Gotta go to the store? What the hell: leave your car running! It’s not going to make Global Warming any less of a myth.
Cons:
– Instead of lube, the sexual education centre just gives you a pamphlet on abortion from 1968 and a big ol’ fistful of crude oil.
– The public transit system is just several extremely angry bulls.
– Hard to study at the Taylor Family Video game Library when there are so many distracting
books around.
– Environmental studies faculty keeps getting smaller as more and more of its undergrads are being disappeared.
Did you know?
…The quarterback of the U of C Dinos was suspended when it was revealed that he had been killed by a meteorite 65 million years ago?
…That not only are you not allowed to, but you physically cannot speedskate drunk at the Olympic Oval?
…That all UofC publicity photos are taken near the one real tree on campus?
…That the Faculty of Medicine invented a chip that can interact seamlessly with the cells in your brain? Seriously, you wouldn’t even know you had one before it horribly malfunctioned and blew your brain out through your eyes.
…That prior to 2004 Qatar used to punish consensual sodomy with 5 years imprisonment? They’ve since become far more progressive, lowering the maximum sentence to a mere 3 years.
Famous Alumni:
Stephen Harper, U of T dropout.
Ezra Levant, Like if Bill O’Reilly had a baby with the jokes that your dad makes. Think about that for a second, it’s really accurate.
Tom Flanagan, Are we gonna make a child pornography joke? Because right now we’re going pretty far out of our way not to make a child pornography joke involving Tom Flanagan.
Naheed Nenshi, One of those boring, ethical mayors.
