OTTAWA – A report issued yesterday by the International Institute for Endangered Nicknames announced that the global population of dudes nicknamed “Boomer” has reached an all time low, and the species may be en route to extinction.
“We estimate there are as few as fifty-four known ‘Boomers’ surviving in North America, but the Boomers’ natural elusiveness and chilled-out demeanor make their real population difficult to define.” reported moniker scientist Helena Lukacs. “What’s truly frightening is that fewer than three percent of the general population report having a buddy or cousin named Boomer, down from seventeen percent only ten years ago. Which sucks, ’cause they’re typically solid dudes even if they don’t have much to say.”
Boomer stocks first began to dip rapidly in the mid-nineties; a result of the late seventies “Boomer-Boom”. Today “dead zones” completely devoid of Boomers stretch across much of North America, with no new Boomers being reported in the Vancouver, Edmonton, Winnipeg, Ottawa, Toronto, or Montreal since 1996.
A movement to preserve and replenish Boomer stocks is underway at the grassroots and international level says Boomer Conservationist Garfield Clifton of Save-The-Boomers.
Efforts include searching for undiscovered Boomers by contacting moving companies with lax drug testing policies, expanding their natural habitats by opening more suburban bong shops and attracting them out of hiding by making more broken down sports cars available for tinkering. Also, we’re on Twitter hashtag ‘#theBoomerang’, because we’re bringing them back!”
For Clifton and others, hope is not lost. “Without immediate action, I’m afraid Boomers could go the way of the Spud. But you never know, one winning NASCAR driver could turn things around.”
