By Elliotte Friedman
It is an honour to be a part of CBC’s legendary Hockey Night in Canada broadcast, and to spend the second intermission discussing the most important hockey news with some of the brightest minds in sport. Truly, I couldn’t be more lucky. But so help me god if P.J. Stock doesn’t shut his goddamn mouth right now, I will pull out a 3 inch blade from the excess skin I keep below my neck and end him. Right here. Right now.
I mean, there are usually 3 or 4 of us on the panel, not even counting Ron ‘Don Cherry has been inside me’ MacLean. And its only a 7-minute segment. To prepare, I spent the entire week researching and checking with sources on potential trades that are about to be made, rule changes the viewers at home may find fascinating and determining the correct pronunciation of all the Ottawa Senators blueliners names (Patrick Wiercioch, are you god dam kidding me?)
But then the segment starts and that little spiky haired fuck interrupts my perfectly rehearsed opening about the impact of Daniel Alfredson’s move to Detroit by going on a five minute rant about how the Sens need to “play tough” and “grind out some wins.” Thanks for the insight, champ! You’re almost as good at this as you were at actually playing hockey.
Does he not realize that I have spent the last 10 years systematically growing out a 1.5 by 2.3 inch mama kangaroo-esque pouch conveniently located below my chin? The kind with more than enough room to contain a weapon that will shut him up for good?
Well just to be clear, I have. And my blade is right here, one extended neck shake away. So you may want to wrap up any second now Stock. And don’t you even think of jumping in Weeks. I will ruin you.
