TORONTO – The recent controversial statements of noted author David Gilmour have dumbfounded the students of University of Toronto who had, until that time, intrinsically trusted all Caucasian men in positions of power.
“I just don’t understand how a white male in a position of influence and power could say something that isn’t beneficial to non-white males.” said Nikhita Singh, a student who is neither white nor male. “Maybe he had the flu? That must have been it.”
The news especially surprised UofT’s history majors, who have learned that for over 400 years, European males have behaved with perfect tolerance and inclusivity toward all people. Gilmour, whose recent comments in an interview suggested that he unfairly dismissed writers of certain genders, sexualities, and races, is reportedly the first white man ever to be bigoted.
“Trust me, I was as surprised as anyone,” said Christopher Frey, editor of Hazlitt, the Random House publication that first revealed Gilmour’s intolerance. “[Emily M.] Keeler’s always been one of our best reporters so at first I couldn’t believe she’d screwed up this interview so badly. Gilmour, a white man with excessive influence, biased? Get real. But then I looked closer and, yup, there it was.”
“What’s next? Governmental policies that actively prevent certain groups from living a life free from discrimination? It used to sound like science fiction.”
At press time, the student body was relieved that they could at least still trust the police.
