Toronto – Sources inside the financial firm Dewsom & Thrift are reporting that 24-year old unpaid office intern Eric McDonagh has gone mad with his own lack of power.
“At first it was just little abuses of his impotence,” says Tim Chang, sub-vice president of administration. “Things like not making eye-contact with his superiors, or dressing shabbily to make everybody else look good.”
“We should have understood that these were warning signs.” he added.
Although co-workers say they did their best to break McDonagh down and teach him his place, they also maintain that they had no idea they were creating a monster.
“I just wanted him to do most of my job for me for no money,” said Lydia Crane, investment analyst. “I never wanted him to literally lick my boots.”
“I mean, sure, they’re clean,” she added, “But the saliva is starting to dry out the leather.”
Higher-ups at the firm have said that, while they are generally in favour of people working without compensation, they have been disturbed to find McDonagh cleaning their septic tanks barehanded at early hours of the morning.
“Listen, I would love to not pay the people that I currently pay to do that,” said shareholder Dick Magnussen, “But it’s like, isn’t there something else that I’m already not paying you to do?”
Since Monday, McDonagh has logged dozens of hours of overtime filing papers, replacing his name on official documents with the number “8223479162”, and mailing company employees letters simply reading, “Hey, you’re better than me!”
Asked whether McDonagh’s behaviour would lead to his termination, C.E.O. Lawson Dewsom stated “Said employee will be allowed to continue working. He will, however, have to take a significant pay cut.”
When asked, McDonagh declined to give comment, not having been given permission to speak.
