TORONTO – Sources inside O’Leary Funds say that their CEO has successfully gained controlling ownership of Timothy and Caroline Gowan’s lemonade stand in Toronto’s west end.
“Now that we control the board, we can begin to use synergies and economies of scale that will give this neighbourhood a lemonade stand that can truly compete in the global marketplace,” said the venture capitalist and CBC commentator as the now redundant five and six year old former owners sobbed in the background.
Timothy and Caroline expressed disappointment in the buyout, claiming that they thought the “ugly man” merely wanted to share.
“Actually, I clearly told them that I wanted shares.” O’Leary said. “All of them. They wanted five dollars, but I managed to close it for half that. Ol’ Kev’s still got it!”
O’Leary went on to explain that the Gowans could have charged more and remained competitive while substantially upping their margins, and that they had been “morons” for not diversifying their product line with Kool-Ade to bring in the lucrative 8-11 year-old demographic.
“A poorly run business has fallen to a more dynamic competitor,” O’Leary said. “The cream rises to the top. That’s the free market jungle, baby.”
Mr. Gowan, a professor at York University’s Schulich School of Business, has said that he is “disappointed” in his children’s lack of acumen.
“I told them that they didn’t have the necessary capital inflows to sufficiently leverage their core competencies into sustainable ROI, but they just gave me this blank stare.” Gowan said.
“Didn’t Daddy tell you that this is what happens when you don’t adequately prepare your econometrics?” He added, to his children.
At press time, O’Leary Funds had suffered a minor setback, as Caroline Gowan had “played-for-keeps” her way into a majority shareholdership of Kevin O’Leary’s collection of Pogs.
