Vatican City – Less than a month since being elected as God’s chosen disciple on earth, Pope Francis said he welcomed the pressure and responsibility that comes with such an illustrious position but that, as a side benefit, he was really hoping it would allow him to finally experience the spiritual pleasure of knowing what the inside of a woman’s vagina feels like.
“I know I’m not the best looking guy, and I’ve gotten a little chunky lately, but I figure being able to go up to a girl and tell her that you are the personal emissary of Jesus H. Christ has got to get me at least a little bit of poon right?” Said the 76 year old in fluent latin.
His holiness admitted even he was not above using the trappings of his position to meet women. “Athletes have women come watch them play, rock stars bring groupies backstage after shows, why shouldn’t I ask a girl if she wants to come back and hang out in my own private city-state?”
The president of the Holy See stated he was not looking for anything too wild sexually, although he did make clear his desire to participate in a sexual act he did not specify the details of, but referred to only as “the holy trinity.”
Graduate student Christiana Bennucci recently encountered the Bishop of Rome at a spinning class. “He came up to me afterward, and he was shaking he was so nervous. He muttered something to me and I didn’t understand all of it but I think the gist was about the miracles he could perform with his pontifical staff.”
Bennucci added, “he was sweet, although I thought it was a bit much when, after I told him no, he asked me to at least donate some money to the church.”
Francis was not deterred by the refusal however, saying he was sure he would eventually have more luck as Pope then he did in his prior position as Archbishop of Argentina. “The girls there wouldn’t give me the time of day. Its like they thought I wasn’t allowed to have sex.”
