MOSCOW – Russian President Vladimir Putin assured the people of Russia today that Space, the all encompassing dark void comprised of billions of galaxies, supernovae, black holes and planets, will pay for the meteor strike that impacted the Eastern city of Chelyabinsk on the morning of February 15 and injured over 1000 Russian citizens.
The attack was described as cowardly and poorly coordinated by Putin, who ordered the Russian military to position several hundred rockets into the sky for “the ultimate revenge.”
To prove a point, Putin shot his prized pet bear in the head in front of reporters and declared, “If I’m willing to do this to something I love, imagine what I’d be willing to do to a pathetic, worthless void.”
The 60-year-old world leader was also photographed in a Russian shuttle, wearing a space suit, smoking a cigarette and armed with an AK-47.
