KINGSTON, ON – Local 8-year-old, Tommy Steiger, went to bed yesterday seemingly unaware he had just experienced the best day of his entire life.
“Today was great! We went to the amusement park and then Daddy made me my favourite food: Spaghetti and meatballs!” The day, which also included several popsicles, a rollercoaster ride and a “we’ll ask Santa” response to a request for a puppy, was put together by parents Robert and Carol Steiger in order to give their child a bit of fun before announcing their impending divorce the following day.
The 3rd grader, who will one day have to choose between paying rent and paying for therapy, seemed oblivious to his horrible fate, even being spotting laughing and running, activities that will be nigh impossible once the world is finished with him.
“I got bubblegum ice cream!” said Steiger, whose poor eating habits will cause type 2 diabetes by his 13th birthday.
Steiger was further mocked by fate when at the amusement park he ran into classmate and crush Veronica Derby. The two shared a surreptitious kiss behind the cotton candy machine before Derby ran off to rejoin her family.
“Tomorrow at recess I’m going to tell her I love her!” said Steiger, who will never marry.
Although Steiger explained that while the day was certainly great, it still had its hardships. “My balloon did pop but it wasn’t so bad and tomorrow’s another day!” said the naive son of a bitch.
