OTTAWA – During question period yesterday, Minister for the environment Peter Kent’s other head was once again forced to deny the existence of an illegal nuclear waste dump beneath the capitol building.
“As always, these allegations are ridiculous,” said the left head as the right head dozed gently against his shoulder. “The Conservative Party of Canada is, and always has been, committed to a greener, more environmentally friendly country.”
Kent refused to directly comment on the current rash of absenteeism at the House of Commons, which scientists are blaming on a bout of mutations that have occurred amongst the MPs. “Yes, there have been some oddities popping up in the past few weeks, but I’ve always been a firm believer that government officials must be adaptable if they are to reflect the will of the people.”
Mr. Kent discussed the many economic and political benefits of Elizabeth May’s body suddenly running off of fossil fuels instead of food and water, Thomas Mulclair’s beard gaining sentience and advocating strongly for supply side economics or Bob Rae’s abandonment of his current health regimen for the controversial, all human brains diet.
The minister then directed reporters’ attention to a murky aquarium at the backbench, “Look at [British Columbia MP David] Wilks, when his constituents complained about overspending he grew gills and moved his entire parliamentary office underwater, where real estate is much cheaper!”
Unfortunately, Stephen Harper could not be reached for comment as he had taken roost in the Parliament belfry for the rest of the daylight hours but Kent assured reporters that the PM is the “very same man Canada voted into office in 2011.”
Mr. Kent was then forced to end the press conference early when his right head awoke and started screaming “kill me” over and over again.
