LOS ANGELES, CA – Following a police raid yesterday, Federal authorities announced at a press conference that they are investigating long suspected criminal sexual activities at the late Jim Henson’s family estate.
The Henson’s remained publicly dismissive of any wrongdoing, despite the taboo allegations of their organizing and facilitating sexual acts on the property for the purpose of Muppet breeding. “We’ve got nothing to be ashamed of,” shouted Lisa Henson, daughter of the late Jim Henson. “Muppets have to come from somewhere! This house is all about love.”
In the wake of the 1980’s “Muppet Baby Boom,” natural muppet breeding decreased significantly, which naturalists blame on the gradual death of their parents, the less popular wild puppet and marionette populations. Authorities had long-held suspicions that the creators of the Muppet Empire were taking illegal actions to ensure the Muppets’ survival, given their investment in the success of this felt-laden species. The recent population expansion evidenced in the 2011 film was a red flag, though some believe there were earlier warning signs.
“When the cameras were off, everything was definitely not A-okay with these creatures,” admitted Gordon Robinson, local Dad and long-time resident of 123 Sesame Street. “They’ll never admit it, but in the ‘90’s this street had an overly pleasant big yellow condor that was clearly about to snap at any point, a green homeless guy that was angry at everything, and a brown elephant full of endless sadness. Something very wrong was going on.”
Some muppet’s rights activist groups contend that the increasing amount of obvious visible Muppet birth defects (exaggerated bulging eyes, overly wide mouth, beaker-shaped head, etc.) was an early indication of their shrinking gene pool. It’s still unclear when exactly the Hensons began the forced breeding program, but it’s possible these new alleged abuses could have been prevented had earlier action been taken to help protect and sustain these living playthings.
Despite the controversy, many have spoken out in defense of the Henson family, citing their support and contributions to the community over the years. “Knock knock! Who’s there? I trust the Hensons with my life, that’s who!” blurted Muppet veteran Fozzie Bear. “Not guilty, Mr.Judge! They put this bear on the map, and introduced me to Mr.Segel! Hello, ursine career move! Hiiiiya Jason!”
While this excessive heartfelt sentiment was typical of most that had worked with the family, not everyone was as quick to support: “Elmo never ask about real parents or where he come from…now, Elmo not want to know,” commented Sesame Street Muppet man-child Elmo, visibly shaken by reports of the happenings at the estate. His public admission as a non-supporter of the Hensons has been considered significant, as with his recent documentary and a budding solo career, he may have the most to lose if his dissent damages his image. “Elmo’s heart go out to victims, but Elmo not worried about scandal fallout. Now, Elmo done. You want full interview? Tickle Elmo Agent.”
Reporters at the press conference were anxious to learn more about the breeding program, however they found their questions interrupted by two overly-critical elderly Muppets making loud, defamatory comments. “They say the Hensons broke the law to make a new litter of Muppets!” was declared, followed by the exclamation of, “Litter, eh? I always knew that show was garbage. OHHHHHHH HO HO HO HO.”
Both continued laughing hysterically until, uncomfortable, all the reporters left the room.
