OTTAWA – A new menace walks a syncopated beat at Mallory Weiss High School in the form of the Mallory Weiss High School Glee club. Formed only 6 months ago, the “Mean Tones” have climbed the ranks of bullydom to rule their school with iron jazz hands.
We first started getting complaints from the football players,” said Farley Wiggins, the school’s principal of 6 years. “Right away, I could tell this was not your typical bullying. The swirlies were too synchronized, the titty-twisters too tenuto, and the pink-bellies were far, far too pastel.”
“They wanted us to be more artsy,” said high school quarterback Marco Jones, his hair still flecked with bits of dried toilet paper. “I tried to get away when they rushed me but they were too in sync. I wish my offensive line had that kind of coordination. First, they made me wear a cravat. And when I still didn’t look artsy enough they made me eat a different cravat while still wearing the first one.”
Photo: The Beaverton with portions licensed by DepositPhotos.com
But the Mean Tones have not limited themselves to intimidating athletes. Since the club’s inception, the lockers of 6 cheerleaders have been graffitied with biting choreography criticisms, sending one girl stumbling home in tears when her footwork was tagged as “clumsy and unpolished.”
On another occasion, a grade 9 student who wished to remain nameless was run up the school flagpole by his underwear because he was walking allegro instead of allegrissimo.
“The Mean Tones have disrupted the harmony of the entire school,” said grade 10 history teacher Maurine Lewis. “Students have been box-stepping through the halls for weeks and throwing up jazz hands to answer questions in class. ‘Vocally Train Me’ signs now outnumber ‘Kick Me’ signs three to one. Kids are even afraid to buy milk from the cafeteria because the Mean Tones say it’s bad for your singing voice. Everyone has developed a calcium deficiency but their voices have never sounded so silky smooth.”
The rising dissonance and cacophony in the school has increased pressure on the faculty members to intervene.
“We feel powerless but something has to be done before things gets out of hand,” explained Principal Wiggins. “We’ve just pushed through a school-wide ban on tuning forks, but the police dogs are still having trouble locating some of the lower toned forks. There are just no easy answers here.”
